Jokes About Women

Women's English

LEARN W0MEN'S ENGLISH

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure ... go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = ... and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

I'm not yelling = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

SENT BY STEPHANIE CALILLAS E OF MOORPARK, CA

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had
not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was
afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she
decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her
doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well
known Chinese sex therapist.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room,
Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did
as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery reery fass
to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was
instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to
me." So she did.

Dr.Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy
bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see,
dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang,
what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,
"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike
your ass."

SENT BY: PAT EVANS OF SIMI VALLEY, CA

15 Easy steps to Shit like a Women

15 Easy Steps to Shit like a Woman:

1.   Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own,
regardless of any stomach pain may be caused whilst waiting to get home.

2.   With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your
boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper.

3.   Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.

4.   Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat
on the toilet since it was last bleached).

5.   Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.

6.   Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over
the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.

7.   Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.

8.   Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with any
faeces.

9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to
positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six
applications per roll).

10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.

11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to
yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the
door while promising not tohis eyes or pass any comments.
It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.

12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.

13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.

14. all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air
freshener.

15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband
and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind; you.

SENT BY: JUSTIN GIBSON OF SIMI VALLEY, CA

46 Rules That Guys Wish Girls Knew....

46 RULES THAT GUYS
WISH GIRLS KNEW.....

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do
not ask us. We refuse to
answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put
it down.

3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always
more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting
married is that married
women always cut their hair, and by then, you are
stuck with her.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are
not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present yet again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer
to; expect an answer you
do not want to hear.

6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live
with it.

7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless
you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
formation and monster trucks.

8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides.
Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never
going to think of it that
way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
anything you wear is fine.
Really.

11. You have enough clothes.

12. You have too many shoes.

13. Crying is blackmail.

14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this
one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not
work. Just say it!

16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never
will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We
are bound to miss sometimes.

18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes
you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would
look good with your dress?

19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.

20. Come to us with a problem only if you want
help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

23. Check your oil.

24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

25. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.

26. No, it does not matter which quiz.

27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
comments become null and void after 7 days.

28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.

31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done; not both.

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and either do we.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring
at boobs.

37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months
we were going out.

38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is
a fruit, not a color.

39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

40. If it itches, it will be scratched.

41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about
having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her
together.

46. What the hell is a doily?

SENT BY: TROY OF SIMI VALLEY, CA

How to talk to women ...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST
QUALITIES.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.

SENT BY: MICHAEL RODRIGUEZ OF CHICAGO, IL