Funny Stories

Good Luck Mr. Dorsky

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong
was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping
on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,"
were televised to Earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered
the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many
people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet
Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian
or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong
as to what the "Good luck, Mr.Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always
just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following
a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This
time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he
could answer the question.

In 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-west town, he was playing baseball
with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in
his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows.

His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the
ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You
want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

A True story.

SENT US FROM DUCKY OF SIMI VALLEY, CA

HUNTING TRIP!

Story - Michigan, USA.

Guy buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00+ in
monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig, and gets a hold of his
friend to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and
of course all the lakes are frozen.
These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer
and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the ice.. Now, they want
to make some kind of a natural landing area to attract ducks - something the
decoys will float on. Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole
large enough to interest a flock of ducks - a hole big enough to entice
ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill...

So, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of
dynamite with a short 40-Second fuse.

Now to their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration
that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from
where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting and ran back
quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent
explosion and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. After
a little deliberation, they come up with lighting and THROWING the dynamite,
which is what they end up doing.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer,
the guns AND THE DOG? Yes, the dog. The driver's pet Black Lab (used for
retrieving especially things thrown by the owner).

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice,
reaching the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the
time it hits the ice - all to the woe of the two idiots which are now
yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now...

The dog is happy and now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of
dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part
of the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador-Retriever approaches. The Bozo's
now are REALLY waving their arms - yelling even louder and generally feeling
panicked.
Now finally one of the guys decides to think- something that neither had
done before this moment, one guy grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. This
sounds better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with #8 duck
shot and hardly effective enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog DID stop for a
moment, slightly confused, but then continued on. Another shot, and this
time the dog - still standing, became REALLY confused & of course scared..
Thinking that these two Nobel Prize Winners have gone TOTALLY INSANE, the
pooch takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning
on the stick of dynamite.
The cover the dog finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth
30-some thousand dollars - the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is
sitting nearby on the lake ice.
BOOM!
Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two "Co-Leaders of the
Known Universe" are left standing there with this "I can't EVEN believe this
happened to me" look on their faces.

Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company and is promptly
informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is
NOT covered on his policy... He had yet to make his first car payment.

SENT US FROM JUSTIN OF SIMI VALLEY, CA

Lobster Love

If you read one disgusting story this year . . . LET IT BE THIS ONE!

Suzy DeLucci and the Miracle of Life.

One morning around am 22 year old Susan DeLucci of Kittery Maine, woke up
with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had diarrhea, but
when she stood up out of bed, she realized that it was urinary pain. It was
very similar to the feeling of having diarrhea, just out the wrong hole.
She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into
the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard. In paralyzing
pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to push and squirt out
of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides
of the toilet, white-knuckled. She was screaming wildly, and the neighbors
called the police.
When medics arrived they found Ms. DeLucci unconscious lying on the floor of
her bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe. Running down her leg, was a
stream of brown and green syrup. The medic had to transfer her to a
stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which was bent crossing her other leg,
to straighten her out. She was lying there all twisted up. When he lifted her
left leg to straighten her body out, he exposed her vagina at which point a
creature, no larger than the tip of a finger wormed its way out of her
genitals and landed on the floor with a wet popping sound.
Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile
bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny mud shrimp and it sat
there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back and
forth. The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea setting
in. When he put his face down into the toilet to puke what he saw was so
horrific that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without convulsing.
The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and
splashing at a furious pace. If you think that is bad -- wait until you hear
how it happened:

Ms. DeLucci official death was the result of a combination of shock and
severe head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw
what she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the
toilet and then on the floor. It is believed by medical police that on two
nights before the accident she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market.
While lying in a tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail into her vagina
to derive pleasure. At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's
face causing it to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion.

The medics found a lesbian XXX video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on
a table in front of the tub. The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can
wrapped in a paper bag. Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster
along with pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobster tail
joints. The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in
lighters. The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to be full of
mud shrimp egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they
are common in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly boiled to
death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeLucci's cunt when she
was torturing it.
Maine mud shrimp only take two days to gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four
days away from getting her period, doctors believe that at that point of her
menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect pH balance to grow these mud shrimp
which are a much larger version of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold
throughout the US. Over night the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began
doubling in size every ten minutes. You can imagine the pain she was in when
she woke up that morning and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her
toilet.

SENT BY GUY (DUCKY) OF SIMI VALLEY, CA

Bad Day !

I don't know if these are true, but they sure are funny. I won't be so
quick to dub my days as bad.
Subject: And you think you're having a bad day?

From the San Francisco Examiner:
Fire Authorities in California found a corpse
in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the
damage done by a forest fire.
The deceased male was dressed in a full wet
suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and
facemask. A post-mortem examination revealed
that the person died not from burns but from massive
internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
identification.
Investigators then set about determining how a fully
clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the
person went for a diving trip off the coast, some 20
miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking
to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in
a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The
buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling,
then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You
guessed it. One minute our diver was making like
Flipper in the Pacific, the next minute he was doing a
breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air.
Apparently, he
extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it
just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

   But even worse......STILL THINK YOU'RE HAVING
A BAD DAY?     THINK AGAIN.

   The following is taken from the The Miami
Herald newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and
his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was
racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the
motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding
the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio
door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the
floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash,
ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying
on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying
next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife
ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife
went down the several flights of long steps to the
street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After
the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to
the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and
pushed it outside.

Since gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained
some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw
the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at
the hospital and was released to come home. After
arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door
and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became
despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet
and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the
cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the
toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud
explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the
bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His
trousers had been blown away and he was suffering
burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his
groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for
an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife
met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the
husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the
street.
While they were going down the stairs to the street
accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked
the wife how the husband had burned himself. She
told them and the paramedics started laughing so
hard, one of them tipped the stretcher over and dumped
the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and
broke his arm.

   Now THAT is a bad day...!!!

SENT BY: PAT EVANS OF SIMI VALLEY, CA

Marmite, you either love it or you hate it!

16 year old Stephen Barton, a pupil at one of England's
leading fee paying schools, returned from school for his
Christmas holidays in what appeared to be some measure
of discomfort.

When quizzed by his mother, he said that he had received
a "low blow" during a game of rugby and was sure that the
passage of time would heal all ills.

Unfortunately this proved not to be the case and on his
third day home he was unable to walk. His mother insisted
he visit the family doctor, a demand to which the incapacitated
Stephen succumbed.

On arrival at the surgery Stephen carefully removed his
underwear to reveal that his scrotum was swollen to nearly four
times it's natural size and was bruised almost entirely black
with a number of small puncture wounds to the right hand side
showing clear signs of established infection.

The doctor, realising that he was not personally equipped as a
GP to properly treat such a "sporting" injury immediately called
an ambulance to take his patient to hospital.

Stephen was rushed into hospital where he immediately underwent
surgery to properly investigate and remedy the injury. The
infection was advanced and Stephen ended up having his right
testicle removed as the infection appeared to have spread into
the gland.

To his surprise, the surgeon removed what were later identified
as "a large number of brown glass splinters" from the boy's
scrotum and the highly infected (and now ex) testicle. It was
the surgeon's opinion that these had been "introduced" to
Stephen's nether regions at the time of the injury.

Realising that this was not as it had first appeared, Stephen's
mother asked what kind of assault he had been a victim of with
the intention of taking serious issue with his not inexpensive
school as to how such an accident could occur.

In an effort not to make a fuss Stephen admitted to the
following episode:

At an unofficial end of term Christmas party after lights out,
Stephen had drunkenly accepted a bet with the boys in his dorm
that he could not fit both his testicles into a medium sized
Marmite jar.

With drunken confidence, and in order to win a large sum of money
from his fellow students, Stephen did indeed manage to perform the
trick. However, such is the shape of a Marmite pot that Stephen
was not able to remove the pot after winning his money. Much to the
enjoyment of the rest of the party-goers he crept off to the
bathroom to try to remove the pot.

Having been unable to remove the pot for two days and in extreme
discomfort, Stephen took drastic measures and went to the empty
CDT room and with a hammer smashed the pot.

Yes that's right, he smashed a glass pot from around his testicles
with a hammer!

Unsurprisingly, this was not a clinical operation and also where
the damage was really done.

As they say... Marmite, you either love it or you hate it!

SENT BY: PAT EVANS OF SIMI VALLEY, CA

BOAT
Here's one for all of you boat fanatics....
A true Story. If, God forbid, she had killed herself, she'd be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde new to boating was having a problem.
No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina, hoping that they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He
came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
(Wait for it . . . .)

(Remember, this is a true story . . . . .) .

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was THE TRAILER

SENT US FROM JUSTIN OF SIMI VALLEY, CA

PAY ATTENTION

Terrible, but apparently true

I was emailed this by a friend who said he had a mate in Wales who is a
doctor and his first autopsy lesson went something like this:

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture
on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You
must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you
must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger
into the dead man's anus, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do
the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of
minutes' silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck
my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."

SENT US FROM JUSTIN OF SIMI VALLEY, CA

X- Boyfriend

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade.
When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home.
When he wrote she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when
he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.
He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this:
She took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading,
"I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following:
"Dear Mom and Dad, Having a great time at college, please send more money!
I'm getting pretty desperate!" and mailed the picture to her parents

(Paybacks a Bitch ain't it!!?!!)

SENT TO US FROM STEPHANIE OF MOORPARK, CA

First Time

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with
her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for
the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes
a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the
boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know
about condoms and sex. At the cash register, the pharmacist asks the boy
how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack or a family pack.
"I'm really going to put it to this girl," the boy tells the
pharmacist. "I intend to plug every orifice in her body at least
twice." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying
the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where
the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and
bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer
with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this
religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."

SENT TO US FROM BEN GIBSON OF UNITED KINGDOM

Sometimes getting want you want is bad luck!

Lyn Rushton, who won a battle in court to allow Florida motorcycle riders to
ride without helmets, died this past weekend in a motorcycle accident in
which she was not wearing her helmet.

SENT TO US FROM ZEBBEN BROWN OF SIMI VALLEY, CA.

Weird world !

********************

When his .38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel
and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time
it worked.

********************

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little peremptory hopping around, submitted a claim
to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent
out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out
and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

********************

Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled
out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down the
other side, and found himself in the city prison.

********************

In Bermuda in 1975 a man on a motor scooter was knocked down and killed
by a taxi. Exactly a year earlier the same driver in the same taxi,
carrying the same passenger, had knocked down and killed the motor-scooter
rider's brother, on the same street, riding the same scooter.

********************

An American tourist in South America had the decidedly grave misfortune
to be attacked by Killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon.
Seeking refuge, he leaped into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.

********************

A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees
demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leaped onto
the shoulders of a passer-by in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head
off. The passer-by was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.

********************

In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with
beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his
toy
pistol.

********************

A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken
the space. Understandably, he shot her dead.

********************

After shooting and wounding his wife and young son, Louis Pilar of
Rheims, France, told police that a three-week strike by television
technicians was to blame. 'There was nothing to look at,' he
explained, 'and I was bored.'
Fortunately his wife did not seem to mind being shot at. From her
hospital bed she said: 'I don't blame my husband. It really was very
boring in the evenings.'

********************

SENT TO US FROM JUSTIN OF SIMI VALLEY, CA

Things people actually said in court, word for word:

---------------------------------------

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

---------------------------------------

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's
vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

---------------------------------------

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

---------------------------------------

LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did
you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed
and put on top of my head.

---------------------------------------

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth
and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall
be the
truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But",
"The", Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

---------------------------------------

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse
down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck
pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you
were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George."

SENT TO US FROM JUSTIN OF SIMI VALLEY, CA