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BEER IS GOOD!
CLICK THE PIC!
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A B.L. JOKE
A red head, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender asks
the redhead what she would like. She says, "I'll have a A.L."
The bartender looks lost, and so the redhead says, "Daaaaa, an
Amstel Lite!"
Next, the bartender asks the brunette what she would like. The brunette
says, "I'll have a B.L."
With this, the bartender gets a grin on his face and says, "A Bud
Lite,right?"
The brunette says, "Daaaaa, a Becks lite!"
Feeling really dumb, he asks the blonde what she would like to drink.
The blonde says, "I'll have a 15."
The bartender says to himself, "A 15, a 15, a 15?"
The Blonde says, "daaaaa, a 7 and 7."
SENT
BY: DARREN ROSS |
I'm so Pissed off
Coming into the bar and ordering a double,
the man leaned over and confided to the bartender,
"I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?"
asked the bartender.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home,
and we stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed
and we were just about to make love when her
goddamned husband came in the front door.
So I had to jump out of the bedroom window
and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!
"Gee, that's tough !" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated,"
the customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said,
'Hey great! You're naked already!
Let me just take a leak'.
And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't
piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head.
"No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really got to me."
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning
and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom
out of the window. And where does it land?
"My goddamned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!"
says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished.
See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump.
Turns out that their toilet is broken,
so he stuck his ass out of the window
and let loose right on my head !"
The bartender paled.
"That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, the fellow rattled on,
"but do you know what
REALLY REALLY REALLY
pissed me off ?
When I looked down and saw that my feet
were only SIX inches off the ground
SENT
BY: JUSTIN GIBSON OF SIMI VALLEY, CA.
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25 REASONS WHY
ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a
hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not
what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad
job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather
come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes vending machine food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they
are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, violent belching during a meeting isn't so
embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at
the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a
couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on
their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss
naked.-SCARY!!!!
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet
Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as
"gross."!!!
25. Babbling & mumbling incoherently will be common,
not just restricted to the higher ups.
SENT
BY JUSTIN GIBSON OF SIMI VALLEY, CA.
Drinkers Guide
If you recognize yourself in any of the situations below, you're in
real
trouble. On the other hand, if you do, chances are that you don't care
anyway.
Drinkers' Troubleshooting Guide
Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and shirt front is wet.
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong
part of
face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue
with
as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and beer unusually pale
and
clear.
Fault : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to
its
owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom : Lap cool and wet.
Fault : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.
Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not,
complain
loudly that you are being hijacked.
Symptom : Bar looks like a circus.
Fault : You're at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.
Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a
fluorescent strip across it.
Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your
drinking
arm, stay put.
If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and
cigarette butts.
Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!
SENT
BY
GUY (DUCKY) OF SIMI VALLEY, CA
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Take a beer and send the truck to all of your friends!!!!!!
|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ | ||__
| B u d w e i s e r | ||''|"'''\,__
|_..._..._____I ===|==||_|___|.....]
"(@)'(@)"""*|(@)(@)**(@)*I(@)
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The Survey Says
Seven bartenders were asked if they could
nail a woman's
personality
based
on what she drinks.
Though interviewed separately, they
concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down
to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of
pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks with umbrella
Personality: Flaky, annoying; ditzy, and a
pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want
to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks - no umbrellas
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows
what she wants.
Your Approach: If she wants you, she'll
send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask )
Personality: Conservative and classy,
sophisticated.
Your Approach: Try and weave Paris and
clothing into the
conversation.
Drink: Alcopops
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and
sophisticated, actually
has
absolutely no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than
she is...and you're in.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or
looking to get drunk
...and
naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint.
Nothing to do but wait.
Then there is the male drink analysis....
The deal with guys is, as
always,
very simple and clear cut.
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get
laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants
to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will
give him a sophisticated
image
to
help him get laid.
Whisky: He doesn't give two shits about
anything and will hit
anyone
who
will
get in his way of getting laid.
Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm
gonna go shag something
with
a
pulse.
Alcopops
: He's gay
SENT
BY JUSTIN GIBSON OF SIMI VALLEY, CA. |
A Man and His Head
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son
was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can,
with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is
proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink
for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the
bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his
first
sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of
joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands
he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the
left.... then to the right.... right through the front door,
into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills
him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says "That boy should have quit
while he was a head."
SENT
BY JUSTIN GIBSON OF SIMI VALLEY, CA.
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Highway Patrolman
Highway
Patrolman
A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.
At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry.
The
man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled
around
the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.
After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own
vehicle.
He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He
turned
his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward
into
the grass, then stopped.
Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and
started to
drive away.
The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man
over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise,
the
man blew a 0.00.
The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be
broken!" he exclaimed.
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I am the designated
decoy!"
SENT
BY: GUY (DUCKY) OF SIMI VALLEY, CA
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Big
Butt
Ted and his wife were working in their garden one
day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your
butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger
than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape
and measure the grill and then he went over to where his wife was working and
measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two
inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"
The wife chooses to ignore her husband.
Later that night, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances
towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm
going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
SENT BY: SUPERIOR PROD., VAN
NUYS, CA.
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