Coming into the bar and ordering a double,
the man leaned over and confided to the bartender,
"I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?"
asked the bartender.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home,
and we stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed
and we were just about to make love when her
goddamned husband came in the front door.
So I had to jump out of the bedroom window
and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!
"Gee, that's tough !" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated,"
the customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said,
'Hey great! You're naked already!
Let me just take a leak'.
And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't
piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head.
"No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really got to me."
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning
and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom
out of the window. And where does it land?
"My goddamned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!"
says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished.
See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump.
Turns out that their toilet is broken,
so he stuck his ass out of the window
and let loose right on my head !"
The bartender paled.
"That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, the fellow rattled on,
"but do you know what
REALLY REALLY REALLY
pissed me off ?
When I looked down and saw that my feet
were only SIX inches off the ground
SENT
BY: JUSTIN GIBSON OF SIMI VALLEY, CA.
The Survey Says
Seven bartenders were asked if they could
nail a woman's
personality
based
on what she drinks.
Though interviewed separately, they
concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down
to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of
pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks with umbrella
Personality: Flaky, annoying; ditzy, and a
pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want
to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks - no umbrellas
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows
what she wants.
Your Approach: If she wants you, she'll
send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask )
Personality: Conservative and classy,
sophisticated.
Your Approach: Try and weave Paris and
clothing into the
conversation.
Drink: Alcopops
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and
sophisticated, actually
has
absolutely no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than
she is...and you're in.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or
looking to get drunk
...and
naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint.
Nothing to do but wait.
Then there is the male drink analysis....
The deal with guys is, as
always,
very simple and clear cut.
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get
laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants
to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will
give him a sophisticated
image
to
help him get laid.
Whisky: He doesn't give two shits about
anything and will hit
anyone
who
will
get in his way of getting laid.
Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm
gonna go shag something
with
a
pulse.
Alcopops
: He's gay
SENT
BY JUSTIN GIBSON OF SIMI VALLEY, CA.
A Man and His Head
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son
was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can,
with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is
proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink
for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the
bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his
first
sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of
joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands
he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the
left.... then to the right.... right through the front door,
into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills
him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says "That boy should have quit
while he was a head."
SENT
BY JUSTIN GIBSON OF SIMI VALLEY, CA.
Highway Patrolman
Highway
Patrolman
A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.
At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry.
The
man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled
around
the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.
After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own
vehicle.
He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He
turned
his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward
into
the grass, then stopped.
Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and
started to
drive away.
The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man
over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise,
the
man blew a 0.00.
The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be
broken!" he exclaimed.
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I am the designated
decoy!"