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Cat
Heaven
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to
heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if
there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more
comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my
life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a
hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and
a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic
farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the
Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.
We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with
brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do
you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have
to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse
with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat
and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are
things since you got here?"............
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is
wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And
those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!!!!!!"
SENT
BY: DEMITRY HERMAN OF SIMI VALLEY, CA |
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The Midget with a
Speech Impediment
This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend, who tells him, "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over." The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth",the midget replies.
So the owner shows him one.
"Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth.
"Nith mouf, can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the hourses eyes.
"OK, what about the eerth?"
Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears.
"OK, Finally, can I see her twat?"
With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's
vigina, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhaps I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun
awownd?"
SENT
BY: ZEBBEN BROWN OF SIMI VALLEY , CA
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Retired Doctor
Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to
himself, "Well, since I'm going to have a farm, I'd might as well have animals on it." So the doctor
got in his truck to go looking.
Along the way, he spotted a sign saying, "Cocks 4 Sale." He pulled over and asked the farmer
what a cock was. "A cock is a rooster," the farmer replied. So the doctor bought a cock and put
it in the back of his truck.
The doctor continued on his way until he saw a sign saying, "Pullets 4 Sale." The doctor pulled
over and asked the farmer what a pullet was. "A pullet is a hen," the farmer replied. "But
sometimes a cock and pullet will fight, so watch out." So the doctor thanked the farmer and went
on his merry way. Down the road a bit, there was another sign saying, "Asses 4 Sale."
So the doctor pulled over again to ask. "An ass is a donkey," the farmer replied. "But watch out
because this donkey is different. If he gets scared, he'll sit down and won't move until you
scratch his belly."
The doctor thanked this farmer and turned around to head home. Well, in the road was a broken
bottle and the doctor's truck ran over it. Pop!!!! The sound made the cock and pullet started to
fight and the donkey sat on the spare tire.
A lady just happened to be passing by and asked if the doctor needed help. The doctor, wanting
to sound like a professional farmer, replied, "Yes, I need help.
Will you please hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass???"
SENT
BY: BRIAN KOLSTAD OF CALABASAS , CA
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The Priest
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age
of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a
rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty,
chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and
never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton,
but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.
One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and
realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early
spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick
and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as
the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out
of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he
knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from
his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was
Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this
time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down
from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him
get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight
towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and
fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
"Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
SENT
BY PAT EVANS OF SIMI VALLEY, CA.
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Computer Analyzer
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike
behind
him,
"My
elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's
a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a
urine
sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it.
It
takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper
than a
doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
drugstore.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds
later,
the
computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in
warm
water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a
stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and
masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He
deposits
ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The
computer
prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a
lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.
SENT
BY STEPHANIE CALILLAS E OF MOORPARK, CA
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POSSIBLE TITLES FOR
LEWINSKY'S NEW BOOK
Possible Titles for Lewinsky's New Book
I Suck At My Job
What Really Goes Down In The White House
How I Blew It In Washington
You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of
the President
Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
Going Back for Gore
Podium Girl
Secret Services to the President
Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
Deep Inside The Oval Office
The Congressional Study on White House Intern
Positions
She's Chief of MY Staff!
Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
How To Beat Off the Government
Going Down and Moving Up
Members of the Presidential Cabinet
Me and My Big Mouth
SENT
BY STEPHANIE CALILLAS OF MOORPARK, CA
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Be on the Look
Out for The Following Viruses
BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:
CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then emails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100
MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.
TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus)
Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").
DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy :).
PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,
then discards it through Windows.
SENT
BY STEPHANIE CALILLAS E OF MOORPARK, CA
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